Have you ever thought “I hate my personality, how can I change it?” First of all, you aren’t the only one! According to a study on 6,800 adults between the age of 18 to 70 a minimum of 78% of people want to change parts of their personality. Good news scientists have also found that our personality isn’t fixed! Personality transformation is possible. Our personality changes throughout our life. Bad news if you want to change it on purpose you have to put some work into it! Wonder how? Keep reading .
What is our Personality?
What exactly makes us, us? How are we different from others? How are we similar to others? Our personality consists of a set of attributes.
It makes us think, feel and behave in a similar way in certain situations. It’s mostly stable but there is also variability. The easiest way for us to live would be to figure out our personality and find an environment where we fit in.
But often we would like to change some attributes. How often do we think “I hate my personality, today” Ever been to a social event and thought I wish I was a little more outgoing? I certainly have.
Interestingly we often describe ourselves more negatively than others would. Try this: Write down your personality attributes and afterward ask family, friends, and colleagues how they would describe you.
How I described myself:
How others described me:
What would you do with people who just give you negative feedback?
No personality attribute is just bad or good. Each has its upsides and downsides. If you want more information on personality, check out Brian Little’s awesome TedTalk.
But how was our personality shaped? Have we been born with those attributes? Or have we learned them? And if we have learned them, how can we unlearn them?
How was our Personality Shaped?
When you read about personality development you can’t get around the nature vs nurture debate. While some scientists argue our personality is shaped by our genetics (nature) others argue the personality is developed through our experiences (nurture). Today most scientists agree both factors play a role.
There are so many theories, so we will only name some. If you want a bigger list of theories check out simplypsychology they have written an amazing blogpost on many different personality theories.
Trait Theories
According to trait theories people have certain traits that determine their personality. The theories suggest that there are a limited number of traits each person can scale on. Often the OCEAN Traits are named:
Openness
Conscientiousness
Extroversion / Introversion
Agreeableness
Neuroticism
Type Theories
Type Theories assume there are only a limited number of personality types.
Type A: urgent, impatient, competitive, achievement-oriented
Type B: relationship-oriented, outgoing, easygoing
Type C: meticulous, logical, detailed, analytical, calm, dependable
Type D: task-oriented, cautious
Behavioral Theories
Behavioral theories suggest that personality depends on a person’s environment. People “learn” their personality through the experiences they make within their environment through social learning.
Humanist
Humanist theories focus on the individual’s ability to change through their free will and personal experiences.
Gradual Personality Transformation
According to Nathan Hudson if you think “I hate my personality” and you want to change it you have to find specific actions to practice the chosen attributes you would like to acquire. You have to take small changes to act like the person you want to be.
Let’s say you want to be more extroverted, you could:
Meet 1 friend a week
Message a friend a week
Talk to one stranger
Nathan Hudson explains changing one’s character is like losing weight, It takes months of hard work and planning.
Step 1: Make a Plan
Write down your current personality attributes on one side of a paper and the attributes you would like to acquire or change in order to achieve your goals on the other. Before you take action, you need to know where you want to go. Also, I recommend you ask other people about your attributes. Others might describe your “negative” attributes positively. Your perceived negative attributes might help you achieve your goals! Think about the following questions:
Is that personality attribute really that bad? Or do I have negative self-beliefs?
Could I use the “negative” attribute somehow?
Is there a person who has the character attributes I would like to acquire?
How does that person behave?
How would I behave if I had those new attributes?
Step 2: Challenge your Self-Beliefs
In order to change you need to believe it’s possible to change! If you think your personality is fixed, you’ll just give yourself excuses to behave in a certain way. I am introverted that’s why I don’t go to my colleague’s party. I just don’t do that. I can’t change my personality so why try?
If you don’t believe you can change, guess what, you won’t change.
Step 3: Practice, Practice, Practice
Fake it till you make it really works. In order to change you need to take actions. Planning alone isn’t enough. Wishing isn’t enough. What we all need to do is go out try, try again until our habits and behavioral patterns change. Until our mindset changes.
You will feel uncomfortable at first, you will struggle, you will try to hold on to your old self. The known. But sometimes you have to jump into the unknown.
In order to become someone new you will have to give up some parts of your old self. Like the phoenix.
There are multiple ways to practice your new personality attributes:
You can do weekly challenges.
Act like a certain character for a few hours.
Imitate people who have your desired personality attributes.
Challenge Ideas to become more extroverted:
Please keep to your Covid regulations. Some of the ideas might not work in the current situation.
Think about positive social events and replay them in your mind.
Visualize meeting with someone and the meeting going well!
Say hello to a stranger, for example a cashier.
Invite a friend or colleague for coffee.
Join a group (For example a new in the city fb group)
Give sb. a compliment.
Call sb. you haven’t talked to in while
Volunteer
Challenge ideas to become less neurotic:
Write a gratitude Journal.
When you feel anxious take deep breaths
Meditate or practice Yoga.
Tell sb. why you are grateful for them.
Take calming walks.
Challenges to raise your Conscientiousness.
Use reminders for deadlines.
Keep your promises.
Plan the day ahead.
Use cleaning schedules.
Keep in mind your most common mistakes.
Plan Meals ahead.
Keep your doctor appointments in mind.
Take responsibility.
Step 4: Give yourself Breaks.
There might be times where you feel frustrated, scared, angry. Give yourself days off. Relax. Personality Change takes time. It drives you to your limits and beyond. Think about all the things you’ve already achieved. Rather than what lies ahead. It is a journey. After a giant challenge, take time off. Not enough to forget what you’ve learned, but enough to destress.
Last but not least:
Personality Change is a Journey. If you really want to change your attributes, make a plan and stick to it!
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Love from Germany,
Carina and Julia
