Have you ever wondered how to get better at talking to people?
One time I had the crazy idea to go to a Human Resources Event alone.
And I arrived early… Like 1 hour early…
There were tables sprinkled around the room. And everyone so far had come in pairs. 😱
I had the strongest urge to turn around and run. But the check-in lady had already collected my coat.
What to do? Sit down and wait an hour till the event starts? Try to …omg mingle and make awkward small talk? How do I have a good conversation with those strangers? As an introvert, this was my worst nightmare.
To be continued …
Why is it so hard to talk to strangers?
As kids, we just say what we think. And while I don’t recommend saying whatever is on your mind (that might end well… ) I think as kids communication comes more easily to us. Why is that?
- We didn’t worry so much about what we said.
- We didn’t care what people might think .
- We were honestly curious.
I’d say almost everyone gets nervous when communicating at least in certain situations.
The number one skill I want to get better at – and the number 1 skill I would recommend you get better at is communication. The good point: like any other skill, communication can be learned and improved. The bad point: It might get´… uncomfortable.
Do you know your number one reason, why you think you are not good at talking with people?
It’s yourself. You and your expectations are the reason you suck at speaking. Perfectionism. We are so worried about what to say, how we say it, how others perceive it, if it’s the right thing to say, if people will like it. So, we don’t say anything at all, which is failure by default, or we stumble with our words, thinking too much. We are our own worst enemy. Still, there are ways to trick ourselves! Please read on.
What is Communication?
According to Merriam Webster, communication is defined as “a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior.” In simple, we communicate when we exchange information.
So let's find out: How can I be better at conversation?
Before you read on, take a pen and paper and write it down! Take your time. When you communicate with people you are confident around what do you do? How do you act? What’s different?
1. Tongue Twisters – To warm up your voice
Right before going on stage in theater class we had to do tongue twisters. Tongue twisters are a great way to warm up your voice. They also make you less nervous and more present as you really have to focus on what you say.
I’ve almost forgotten about that practice until I saw a video by the Stanford Graduate School of Business where Matt Abrahams teaches about communication. Next time before a presentation or a job interview try this trick. Even world-class speakers warm their voices with tongue twisters. Here is one of my favorite English ones – usually I do German ones.
Betty Botter bought some butter but, she said, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
Since English isn’t my native language sorry if I mispronounce anything 
I had a blast try it! And share it with us on twitter!
2. Break Patterns – To Speak More Spontaneously
Another good trick I learned from Matt Abrahams video is that you should practice breaking the patterns and stop preparing answers in advance to speak spontaneously.
Exercise 1:
You had to quickly point at objects and give them the wrong name. Let’s say you point at a chair you can say for example TV. Point at a fridge – banana. Try it for 30 seconds before you read on!
Now people like me, who try to say everything perfectly, already prepared the first 5 words, while he explained the exercise, which kinda defies the purpose as we try to talk more spontaneously. :’)
Nope restart – no preparation allowed!
Next, what people often do is to start with a pattern. For example, they start naming a list of fruits.
Nope restart no pattern allowed.
Exercise 2:
Exercise 2 is a partner game. You can do it alone too, but it works better with a partner.
Partner A has to pretend to give partner B a gift.
Partner B opens the imagined gift and says thank you for the “first thing that comes to mind”.
Partner A then has to say: Yeah, I knew you always wanted a XYZ, because “ First thing that comes to mind “.
I tried it with my sister and for whatever the reason the first thing that came to my mind was a finger.
Those exercises make you feel more comfortable with saying the wrong thing and being more spontaneous and creative. (There really isn’t a wrong answer in this exercise).
Just try it a few times when you have nothing better to do. Like on the toilet. Or play it with your family. To be a spontaneous speaker you have to get out of your own way and dare to be boring. Don’t strive to be the perfect speaker. Just speak.
3. Don’t Be Defensive – See Talking As An Opportunity
See speaking as an opportunity otherwise you are going to be on the defense side. When you speak you should see communication as a tool to exchange information as explained in the definition. Even when you are on stage imagine you are speaking to a friend. Someone you feel comfortable around. You have to Reframe your mind into a YES approach instead of a BUT.
For this take a note every time you say but for a day!
There Are 3 Types Of Defensive Language We Should Avoid:
- Surrendering (passively/or actively)
For example, justifying other people’s bad behavior towards you: He does that, because I …
- Withdrawal
For example, leaving the room, or stopping the communication and just sullenly stare.
- Counterattacking
For example, justifying your own position, or attacking someone.
Also, check out Jim Tamms Ted Talk on Cultivating Collaboration: Don’t Be So Defensive! It is really good!
He explains that we use defensiveness when we try to avoid our fears, which we don’t want to feel.
Those are often: Our likeability, competence, and significance.
For example, when we feel we are incompetent, we might start blaming others. Instead of saying I messed up that project it is easier to say he did this and that.
How You Can Overcome Defensiveness:
1. Acknowledge you get defensive
2. Take a few deep breaths, take a walk
3. Check negative self-talk
4. Create an Action Step (eg. when you withdraw try to talk)
5. Start Over
Practice this!
4. Speak with the HAIL Method
In his TED Talk Julian Treasure talks about the 4 cornerstones of effective communication:
HAIL
stands
for: | Honesty
Authenticity
Integrity
Love |
If you talk with Honesty and Love you will be honest, but not to the point of being painful. If you mean someone well, you won’t judge him.
5 . Use WE and US – Don’t distance yourself with language
Often when we get nervous, we use distancing language. Instead of saying I, WE or YOU, we say one should.
How does it feel when you hear:
- One should communicate with love?
- We should communicate with love?
Don’t distance yourself with speech. Often when we use distancing language we also cross our arms or take a step back. Those are warning signs, that we try to distance ourselves. Try to pay attention to those signs.
6. Avoid Filler Words – Hmm, Ehm
Often we use filler words, which are absolutely useless, when we get nervous. Those words make us seem less secure and less competent.
Instead of using filler words, dare to pause. Silence can be a strong communication tool! Watch great speakers. They usually talk slowly and use breaks!
Try and tell a made-up story. Each time you want to use a filler word pause on purpose.
7. Practice, Practice, Practice
The best way to get better at talking is practice . I need to practice as well.
Here are some Reddit tips:
- Talk to strangers in the streets or at the store
- Try a hello or give a compliment to start a conversation (something not so obvious like shoes or a backpack)
- Listen more than you speak
- Be interested in the other person, don’t put the focus on yourself
- Ask open ended questions not yes/ no questions
- Put away your phone.
Don’t forget listening is an extremely important part of communication as well. So, check out this post! And the amount of energy you have also impacts how others perceive you.
Some Of Our Other Blogposts on Skill Building:
-
Stop awkward talks. Improve your Talking Skills.
-
Uplevel your Active Listening Skills.
- Get Great Teamwork Skills.
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Love from Germany,
Julia and Carina
