There are some people we immediately “click” with. You talk with them and at once it feels as if you have known each other your whole life. Have you ever felt that way with anyone? Wouldn’t it be great if you could connect with everyone this easily and completely not by accident, but on purpose? In that case you want to learn rapport building.
Rapport is according to Tony Robbins the total responsiveness between people. If you have built rapport with someone you feel connected and bonded.
Most people only can build rapport with people similar to themselves. Because as humans we like people, who are like us.
Why do you want to build Rapport?
Building rapport can benefit you in your professional and personal life for example:
- When you do a job interview
- When you try to sell a product
- When you talk with your boss about a salary raise
- When you try to collect money for a noble cause
- When you meet the in-laws
- When you meet someone for a date
So How To Build Rapport & connect with People?
Rapport happens when our communication partner feels understood and cared for. Connecting with someone means you show mutual respect. You are in harmony.
– you accept that person.
– you try to understand that person.
– you show trust.
Rapport doesn’t mean Manipulation!
Step 1.: Ask Questions – Break the Ice
As we said before. People like people, who are like who? Them. Therefore, first, we need to find some common ground. Maybe you’ve similar hobbies? The same beliefs. A common sense of humor.
️ Ask open-ended questions. Questions that can’t be answered with a yes and no.
Usually, those types of questions start with why, how, and what. For example:
- What is the coolest trip you’ve ever been on?
- What’s the best advice you’ve ever received?
- Why do you enjoy traveling?
- Can you tell me more?
️ Use “safe topics” for small talk.
Avoid sensitive topics, such as religion and politics.
️ Listen instead of talking about yourself.
️ Listen instead of talking about yourself.
Once you find a common topic and common interests build up on that. Questions alone don’t build rapport. You have to find common topics.
️ Summarize back what you have learned to show that you have listened and to unravel mistakes.
The Most Important Tip when you want to Connect with People:
Show some honest interest in your communication partner to have som good rapport with someone. Be curious about the person. What moves your partner? How does he/she see the world? What impacts him/her? Honestly care.
What are some rapport-building questions?
Rapport Building Questions will help you connect instantly on a deeper level. They are a lot deeper than the regular: How are you?
Use all the information your have about your partner. Their friendships, birthday, place of birth. Be Curious! And ask questions you would like people to ask you.
- What was your commute like?
- When’s the best time of the year to visit your hometown?
- What job would you want if you hadn’t chosen this career?
- Which encounters with others have shaped you the most?
- What do you think you’ll achieve until next year?
- What did you want to become as a child?
- Which changes would you wish for in your life?
- Who is the “best person in the world?” and why?
- When was the last time you felt absolutelly content?
- When did you meet your first “love”?
Step 2.: Matching and Mirroring to Connect with People
Talking makes up around 7% of communication, while 93% of communication happens nonverbal. One technique you can use to build rapport is matching and mirroring.
Mirroring refers to ‘copying’ the behavior of another person while matching refers to the same thing albeit with a time lag. E.g.: When someone uncrosses their legs, you uncross your legs. When someone leans forward you lean forward.
This should happen inconspicuously. When it is too obvious, and people realize what you are doing you can lose rapport!
Here are a few suggestions of which behaviors you can match:
Posture:
- Is the other person relaxed?
- Does he/she sit straight or lax?
- Legs crossed or uncrossed?
- Leans in a certain direction?
- Head tilted in a certain direction?
Gestures:
- Do they use certain hand movements typical for them?
- Do they nod?
- Do they wildly use gestures or barely use any?
Facial Expressions:
- Do they use strong facial expressions?
- Do they look happy, sad, calm, or intense?
- Do they curl their eyebrows?
- Do they make certain lip movements?
Breathing
- The least conspicuous way to copy someone is to imitate their breathing. (Try not to stare at their chest too much especially if it is a woman!) Personally, I think it is really hard to copy the speed of breathing without making it too obvious that you stare. It needs practice.
The Voice
- Speed
- Volume
- Pitch
- Tone
- Keywords
Touch
- Is the other person the touchy-feely kind or the no touch at all type? You better figure that one out fast. If you are touchy-feely with a person who does not like touch, you will lose a lot of rapport points.
Step 3.: Dress the way they dress To Build Rapport
Again, people like people similar to themselves. Therefore, if you have a similar style they are more likely to like you.
– Are they wearing casual clothes or dress clothes?
– Piercings or no piercings?
– Expensive brands or discounter?
If you communicate with a manager in jogging pants … let’s say it won’t end well unless he is in the home office and secretly wears them too. And if you talk with a cleaning lady wearing comfy clothes, she will feel more comfortable around you than when you wear a suit.
Step 4. Avoid But...
But suggests a hard contradiction. It’s a very negative word and immediately makes your communication partner defensive.
Step 6.: Smile
People love people who smile. Smiling has the same effect as giving someone a small gift. So gift your partner with a bright smile. Smiling is one of the easiest tools to connect with people.
Wrapping up:
Building Rapport is an important social skill. You shouldn’t see rapport as a manipulation tool instead building rapport means you try to understand your communication partner on a deeper level.
Rapport-building skills are a part of personal skills. If you want to get better at connecting with people also read:
- How to develop active listening skills.
- Build your teamwork skills with this post.
- Get better at talking to people with this post.
- And here is our ultimate post on critical thinking.
Wonderful post, I really agree with your point on how to dress! I am a bit socially awkward, I tend to dress very professional at all times to allow presentation to speak for me and attract like-minded people. Love yourcontent 🙂
You are kind and beautiful. I am sure that even if you are a little awkward at first they love to talk to you 🙂