“Cariiiina …”
One word is all it takes. They say your name in a certain way. The tune already warning you that you won’t like what is about to come.
Like nails on a chalkboard, it screeches across your soul.
You take a deep breath. Steeling yourself for what is about to come.
Criticism.
Words can cut. And it’s ugly when we feel judged. Especially from loved ones. Like dealing with critical parents, husbands or friends. Yet criticism is inevitable. Even those who seem perfect often receive negative comments. So, how are we supposed to deal with this? How can I not be defensive, hurt, angry, and sensitive? How can I not take it personally.
How to deal with criticism from parents, family, and friends?
Have you ever felt like you can never reach the expectations of your parents? Your loved ones are always pointing out what you are doing “wrong”. Dealing with critical parents can be … anguishing. Especially when you are young it feels that parents have a constant need to improve and chastise you. Out of love they say.
And when you get older you meet new people, who try to “improve” you. Your partners, your friends, colleagues.
But if someone constantly demeans you, de-values you and shows you you can’t do anything right it’s no longer “feedback” to “help” you it’s destructive and toxic. It makes us feel unloved.
So what can you do when you are dealing with critical parents, husbands or family members? How can you respond to them:
1. Step Away When you feel Criticised
The funny thing is that reading all the comments from people who also have been criticised has helped me. And vise versa I read also about people who hurt someone with their ciriticism complaining that some people are just too “sensitive”.
Now truth is I most definitely have ciritcised someone before. Out of love and worries. It does mean that the other person isn’t necessarily a monster, right? Because I am not a monster either.
I had to wonder am I being too sensitive? Why does this criticism hurt me so much?
- Stepping away gives you a chance. First of all, no one sees your upset crying, or angry face. (Guys love to say we girls are just too sensitive and “hysterical”)
- Second, you can calm down and look at the incident more objectively. Was the comment meant to hurt you or not?
- Breathe a few times. Take a walk. Get away from the scene. If they don’t want to let you go tell them you need time to process what they have just said. Leave with as much dignity as possible.
- Sometimes we feel like there is some truth to what was said and that hurts. Figure out what is true and what isn’t. And why did that truth hurt you?
- Ask questions to clarify what was said after you’ve calmed down enough. And replay the event in your head after you’ve got all the information.
2. Learn to take comments From Critical Parents and loved ones less personally
This is really hard. And the more you value someone’s opinion the harder it gets. In the end you need to be fine with your strengths and weaknesses.
You yourself have to judge is that critique or feedback anything worth. Is it honest? Does it come from a place of love? Or is the person who critized you just unhappy, critical or jealous.
They aren’t in your shoes. It is your life to live. You take the useful feedback and you throw the useless and destructive criticism.
3. Rant it all out
You know what also really helped? Writing about how unfair it is that I am being criticized for something that didn’t even happen that way. Seriously I think we all need a rant book to let all those stuffy feelings out.
(I mean we can hardly scream at our significant other all the time). They might get too scared, to be honest with us. And after we’ve cooled down we might realize there was some truth in what they said. I don’t want anyone to be worried about voicing their opinions. Feel free to use the comments below 😉
4. Try not to be Defensive
It is natural to feel defensive when faced with criticism. After all, we want to be seen as good people. So, when someone criticizes us, it feels like they are attacking us personally. This makes us feel bad and causes us to lash back. A fight starts and you know how that usually turns out.
5. Try not to point out their Failures
Aka you are the worst parent. First of all we never know when it’s the last time we see someone and we might regret our last words being naughty and second it just causes more resentment and pain instead of solving the issue. I know easier said than done.
6. Don’t let Critical Parents and Loved ones Discourage you
If someone tries to discourage you, ignore them. There is nothing wrong with being ambitious and trying to achieve something great. Instead of letting others discourage you, focus on your goal and work hard towards achieving it.
7. Ask them: How would you feel if questions…
Honestly this didn’t work for me but it was recommended on Reddit, so maybe it’s useful for someone. Ask them how they would feel if you critizised them in XZY manner in front of XYZ. Sometimes they will rethink what and how they’ve said it.
8. Don't take personal criticism too seriously.
It’s human nature to want to please others, but this doesn’t mean we should let ourselves be taken advantage of. When someone criticizes us, they aren’t trying to hurt us; they want us to change our behavior. So instead of getting upset, try to understand what they’re saying. And why they want you to change. (How would your change of behavior improve their life?) It’s probably got less to do with you and more to do with them.
9. Practice having difficult conversations
Difficult conversations are inevitable in life. They happen at work, home, school, and everywhere else. We face them everyday whether we want to or not. Sometimes they are uncomfortable but we need to learn how to have them. Try regular one-on-ones, talk about serious topics, to get less sensitive.
10. Build your Self-Esteem
Self esteem is the confidence you have in yourself. It’s the level of respect you have for yourself. When you have low self esteem, you tend to doubt yourself and question whether you deserve respect and whether what you do is right. So the more self-esteem you have the less you’ll be bothered by criticism.
11. Surprise them and say thank you for the Feedback
If you want to improve, then you’ll need to accept criticism. Throw your loved ones a curve-ball and say thank you. They’ll be shocked. However, this doesn’t mean you should lie or pretend to agree with everything they said. Instead, tell them honestly what you think and where you agree and where you disagree. This helps you understand where they’re coming from and allows you to learn from their perspective.
Why are they so critical?
Here are some reasons why they might be critical:
- They want to be heard. They have continuously told you to put your socks away because it is making their day harder and you haven’t listened.
- All they want is to do is help you improve and have a better life in the future.
- They might be angry with you. Maybe they want to show you that they are upset.
- They are projecting their own shortcomings onto you.
- A life lesson is what they want to teach you.
- Sometimes they just want to make fun of you to feel better. Because they are unhappy and dissatisfied with their life.
- Attention.
- They are just telling you their experiences. It’s completely objective. And your low self-esteem and past experiences are warping the words.
- Feeling right is their goal.
- They want to feel superior. This person wants to show off his knowledge. He thinks he knows everything.
How do you ignore someone's criticism?
Are they in “that mood” again? It’s like a switch has been turned on and suddenly they criticize whatever you do? Learn to tune it out or avoid them altogether. Don’t talk back. Don’t offer them more ground to attack.
In the end, you only have to be satisfied with yourself.
Pros and Cons of Criticism
Criticism can be feedback that helps us improve. However, sometimes criticism has negative effects that can be hurtful and damaging. Decide carefully if and how you want to mention criticism. The timing also matters.
How do you criticize your family in a nice way without being rude?
Don’t say: You are doing it all wrong. This is how it works. Why are you doing it that way?
Try saying:
Thank you for XYZ. I am worried if you do it that way you might hurt yourself or I know of a better way. Do you want me to show you?
This way the other person stays in control. You don’t judge them and you’ll be a teacher.
Why do I cry when I get criticized?
Why am I so sensitive and upset when I get criticized? Because you accept something of what was said as truth. And truth often hurts. Or what we perceive as the truth. Sometimes we feel:
- Unloved
- Judged
- Embarrassed
- Misunderstood
- Guilty
Emotions are normal. And sometimes stuff like negative comments pile up. Don’t worry too much about tears. Take deep breaths calm your emotions and don’t let them control you. Unless you are a mess don’t worry about being hypersensitive or easily offended.
Wrapping it Up: dealing with Critical Parents and Loved Ones
Dealing with criticism is hard. Figuring out what’s constructive and what’s just toxic in the moment of being criticized is even harder. Let us know how you deal with someone who constantly criticizes you and how you handle critical parents.
