Project Girl 2 Woman, Author at ProjectGirl2Woman

expectations vs reality – Are your Expectations hurting you ?!

Or how they influence our behavior ...

Today’s topic is all about expectations vs reality. We all face them throughout our lives. Maybe it’s our mom expecting us to get a “good” job. Society for us to follow a certain path. Or ourselves when we expect results after working really hard. Expectations follow us wherever we are: How we handle and if we accept them is what matters!

According to Google, expectations are defined as :”a strong belief that something will happen or be the case.”

Types of Expectations

We can group expectations into three groups:

Towards ourselves

Having good grades from studying
Losing weight when working out
Expecting results even though we just starting working on a project

Towards others

Having friends/family to lean on when sad
Getting a promotion when doing a good job
Expecting our prayers to come true

Others have towards us

By society:

Following the rules (Laws, regulations etc – can be by society, in school, in church)
Being polite
Sometimes dressing in a certain way (no tattoos, colorful hair etc)

By family members:

Helping out when necessary
Staying close
Being honest and respectful

Each individual is met with different expectations. Depending on many factors such as:

- - your families values
  - the culture you grew up in
  - the circle of friends you made
  - the place you live in
  - your workplace
  - and last but not least your own expectations

In order to know what impacts your decision making and your goal planning you should be aware of what is expected from you.

Otherwise you can decide on goals based on expectations rather than on your true wants. We are all about creating your ideal life based on your individual wishes.

Exercise 1:

Think about you and the people around you:

What kind of expectations do you face every day by society, your family, the people surrounding you, and by yourself? What do you expect from them?

Take a piece of paper and write down which expectations influence your decisions.

John Johnson of Psychology Today explained the concept of “The law of attraction”, which is “the ability to attract into our lives whatever we are focusing on” (TheLawofAttraction.com). Assuming that the concept is true, this would mean that if we expect something to come true it will. Kinda like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Therefore, if we expect someone to like us, our behaviour towards them will be different compared to, when we expect them to dislike us.

Just think about your body language when you have positive expectations on someone. Usually you will stand a bit closer or maybe interact with that person more. Meanwhile you act more passive or negative around people you have negative expectations on.

Example:

Imagine there is a new girl at your workplace. She doesn’t talk with any of you and keeps avoiding you. You expect she doesn’t like you very much. So your behaviour towards her is negative. But remember expectations are just beliefs. They don’t have to be true. Maybe the girl is just shy? Your expectations might have wrongfully impacted your behavior. She might have been an amazing friend.

Whether the law of attraction is true or not, (we always disagree on how true it is), do agree that our expectations impact our behavior, our thoughts and our emotions.

Rather than being controlled by expectations, awareness helps us with making more balanced decisions. But, there aren’t just negative expectations. Actually there are two types.

Negative Expectations vs Positive Expectations

Negative Expectations:

– are, like the name says, negative. Let me give you an example: You have to present the sales results of your client and you are very insecure about presenting:

“I will embarrass myself in front of all my colleagues and my boss. Oh, what if I stutter and look super unprofessional? Everyone will know how bad I am at presenting!” You expect to do a bad job.

Meanwhile a person with positive expectations might think the exact opposite: “Alright, I didn’t prepare that much, but I know I ace presentations. This will be easy-peasy.”

See the difference? One person is expecting doom while the other person expects amazing results.

Exploreable states that “Negative expectations lead to negative behaviors”, which also assumes that positive expectations lead to positive behaviors right?

Maybe the person who has so many doubts about himself will actually stutter throughout the presentation. Meanwhile the person with the positive expectations gains strength and confidence, because he truly believes that he will nail it.

Think about a situation in your life where you expected something to go wrong and it did. For example, you were expecting to fail your driver’s test – and it turns out you overlooked the stop sign …

Now think about a situation (may it be you or another person you witnessed) where a situation looked hopeless but somehow that person turned the situation around and nailed it?

Some would say a wonder has occurred – but what if it was not a wonder but rather positive expectations and a positive mindset?

* Warning: Extremely positive expectations can be negative. Expecting one doesn’t have to study for one’s finals might be wrong. Overly positive expectations can lead to disappointment.

Look at the previously collected expectations – are the impacts negative or positive? Have you even thought about positive effects? How can you use expectations?

Are expectations a bad thing?

Not necessarily. Like most things in life, expectations have both positive and negative impacts. It depends on which expectation you face:

Negative Impacts can be:

Feeling overwhelmed
Feeling Pressured
Feeling anxious
Being Unhappy (as your expectation and others expectations towards you are contradicting)
Feeling Self-Doubt (Expecting to fail)
Being Disappointed

Positive impacts on your life can be:

Being motivated
Being more productive
Gaining confidence (when people praise you)
Being optimistic

Wrapping up Expectations vs Reality

If the expectations from people close to you make you feel bad instead of motivating you, try to tell them how you feel. Feeling overwhelmed and pressured, causes stress and reduces performance and productivity.

The same goes for you: If you expect too much from yourself it is time to have a talk with yourself! Are your expectations realistic?

Alright, we are at the end of this lesson! I leave a very interesting video for you (it’s about expectations 😉 ) And hope we will see each other next weekend! Also, if you want to learn more about yourself: Check out the How To Change Your Life Series! (This is lesson 11)

<< LESSON 10

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Love from Germany,

Carina and Julia

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3 Simple Steps to Find & Overcome your Limiting Beliefs and Prejudices (+ Examples)

Project Girl 2 Woman

Today we are going to find out our limiting beliefs and prejudices. Last time we already took a look at our self-beliefs both good and bad. Today we find out what is holding us back!

Our beliefs, including limiting beliefs and prejudice, are the software we are running on. All our decisions are based on the information we have previously gathered. Sadly, when we are young, we are like a sponge and suck up all the information. Regardless of how true it is. Our beliefs are also deeply connected with our fears, and our self-esteem.

What Are Limiting Beliefs? (Examples)

Let’s take a look at some limiting belief examples:

I am not good at math.
Short people aren’t good at sports.
Money causes all the problems.
I am not worthy.
I can do nothing right.
When people are chubby, they are lazy.

Limiting beliefs come in all forms. We meet them every day. Have you ever stopped yourself from achieving a goal because you didn’t think you could succeed? Or have you been judged by a person because they had a limiting belief?

Definition of Limiting Beliefs:

“A limiting belief is a state of mind, conviction, or belief that you think to be true that limits you in some way.” – LifeHack.Org

It is extremely hard to unlearn false information and the longer back we have learned it the more challenging the unlearning becomes. And we can have beliefs and prejudices about literally everything!

Nevertheless, we don’t only have negative beliefs! We also have amazing and positive beliefs that I just have to mention here. Not everything we learned is “bad”. And not every belief is “wrong”.

Everyone deserves a chance.
I can handle it.
The good I do comes back 10 fold.

Causes of Limiting Beliefs and Prejudice

Our beliefs come from our environment. Each interaction, each experience, especially when we are young can form a belief. Some common sources are:

· Family

· Kinder garden

· School

· Society

· Books/ Movies

· Education

· Experiences

I remember very vividly, when I was a high school student, I was called to the board by my math teacher. I dreaded it. I tried to look as insignificant as possible. Hoping, wishing he would overlook me this time. But, nah no chance he called me out. Again. Embarrassed. Again. When I finished the calculation, he looked at my results and said in this quiet disappointed voice: “WRONG”

My classmate contradicted him. He recalculated. It was right after all. Relief.

“In that case”, he said, “someone must have helped her”. Crushed.

2 Limiting beliefs were born:

Ø Attention = Embarrassment

Ø I suck at math.

As I look back, I should have made an appointment with him and talked our issues out. As it stood, it took a really long time for me to learn to speak up in front of a crowd again without feeling uncomfortable. Sometimes I still worry about trying new things in front of people out of fear of embarrassing myself. Life isn’t all fluffy.

What we have to learn is to do stuff anyways in spite of our limiting beliefs, in spite of our worries, and especially in spite of our fears. And we will learn to overcome them. The things that make us feel the most uncomfortable are usually exactly what we need to do in order to grow.

How To Figure Out Your Underlying Limiting Beliefs And Prejudices:

Observation:

The first thing you might do is get a notebook and a pen and observe a week how you behave in certain situations. What limiting thoughts do you have? What’s your underlying limiting belief? And how you want to react the next time you are in a similar situation.

Also, observe what the people around you keep saying. Your friends and family. Is there a common theme? How do they make you feel about yourself, about certain topics?

Often, we accept truths from people, when they are no experts either. Would you listen to study tips given by an F grade student? Probably not. But often we do exactly that. When the people surrounding us say something about us, we accept it as the truth. When the one person who knows us the best is well … us.

Test Your Beliefs With Discussions And Experiences:

A great way to test your beliefs is through discussions and experiences. And thanks to the internet we have the amazing chance to meet people with all kinds of beliefs.

Exercise 1:

Ø Write down your currents beliefs and check what other people think about the topic. Join discussion groups.

Ø Ask questions and be open about the answers. Dabble into new interesting topics. You think short people suck at sports? I am sure there are short people, who excel in sports. Go online and find them.

Exercise 2:

Make new experiences.

Ø Write a list with all the things you want to try. Do they challenge you? If so, why? Write down what you want to try and what is holding you back.

Ø Are there tasks you really dread? Like your heart starts beating crazy? If so, what are they, and why are they so hard to accomplish?

Evaluation:

Last but not least combine everything that you’ve learned from the observations, the discussions, and thinking about new experiences. Is there a red line? What are the top 3 limiting beliefs that are holding you back?

Now let’s go and tackle them!

How To Overcome Your Limiting Beliefs And Prejudices

Learning to believe in yourself takes time. The solution is simple, but the path isn’t easy. You can try positive affirmations like so many growth bloggers recommend. And I think they definitely won’t hurt. But as for me, my brain isn’t stupid. If I feel ugly in the morning because I am bloated like a puffer fish, no positive affirmation can change that. Even if I tell myself a thousand times you are pretty. It won’t change a thing. At that moment my brain won’t believe it.

1. First Of All When You Are Already In A Challenging Situation:

Stop
Breath In
Breath Out
Count Down 5 Seconds
Is this reaction caused by a belief, prejudice, or fear?
Ok, this is what I will do!
React

The truth is. I don’t know an easy way to overcome a limiting belief. What I know works is to challenge yourself over and over again until you become comfortable. Until I think I can do it.

When you believe you can’t speak in front of a crowd you’ll have to speak in front of a crowd until you are comfortable. Practice with people who are also beginners and who won’t judge you for mistakes.

Work out when you aren’t comfortable in your skin. You’ll be proud of how strong you grow. Don’t focus on the look. Focus on the feeling of strength and health.

When you believe you suck at math. The best thing to overcome that belief is to start doing exercises. Join a math club. Or you can work together with other students who “suck” at math and learn as a group.

When you are scared to embarrass yourself when speaking up, you’ll have to speak up until your brain knows that belief was just that, a belief.

And when you fail the first time you can’t stop. Or your belief will just be reinforced. You’ll have to try again. And again and again.

Sometimes when I feel like a puffer fish and I know it’s just something I ate, my period, or me generally having a low confidence day. I just need a distraction until the thought passes. Like music, cleaning and singing, like spending time with positive kind friends, or like a self-care evening routine to get my mental strength back.

2. Figure Out The Root Cause Of Your Belief.

If it occurred in the past well we can’t change that, but if you still have a demon sitting on your shoulder (like a very cruel family member or friend) whispering about how undeserving you are, how you lack skills or any such thing figure out who that person or thing is.

It can be Instagram, showing you how “ugly” you are
It can be a family member telling you, how disappointed they are.
Or LinkedIn shows you how far ahead your classmates are.

Don’t ask their opinion. Don’t tell them about things you will experience until you have actually accomplished them. If possible don’t spend a lot of time with them.

Unfollow channels that trigger you. Instead, follow sides that motivate you and make you happier.

3. Make New Experiences.

The best way to figure out your limiting beliefs is to try out new things. Go to places that you usually wouldn’t go to. Meet people you usually wouldn’t hang out with. People with different jobs, and different religious, sexual, or ethnic backgrounds. Travel and learn about different cultures. Don’t be hateful, be open. Change your point of view.

You aren’t failing. You are learning.

So To Sum It Up:

Our thoughts become our reality. Limiting Beliefs were mostly formed when we were young. They come from our environment.

We can identify our limiting beliefs through observations, discussions, and planning experiences.

We can overcome our limiting beliefs through awareness, challenging ourselves, and making new experiences.

Wrapping it up I hope we can all go out and challenge our beliefs. You can do anything you set your mind to! Overcome your limiting beliefs and grow. Supporting each other as a team. A community. You might also be interested in a list of core values 🙂

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Love from Germany,

Carina and Julia

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